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May 2, 2014 18:21:37 GMT -5
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Post by DemonChiyo on May 2, 2014 18:21:37 GMT -5
I have an idea in mind for a fanfiction, and I've written a first chapter. I'm also going to add a prologue so it's not as sudden. Would anyone be willing to criticise?
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May 2, 2014 19:28:12 GMT -5
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Post by DemonChiyo on May 2, 2014 19:28:12 GMT -5
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May 2, 2014 19:53:59 GMT -5
Post by MeBeLizzi on May 2, 2014 19:53:59 GMT -5
I can try. Is it that Black Butler one?
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May 2, 2014 20:52:48 GMT -5
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Post by DemonChiyo on May 2, 2014 20:52:48 GMT -5
Yeah. I just wrote and finished a prologue too. I updated the first chapter since I sent it to you. I have a title and everything too, so it's ready to publish if it's good.
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May 2, 2014 22:01:05 GMT -5
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Post by DemonChiyo on May 2, 2014 22:01:05 GMT -5
His Butler, Missing Prologue
"Lord Phantomhive, I've brought you some tea."
The boy turned to the butler. He didn't like him in the slightest, especially since he'd gotten so attached to his old butler in the past times, but he knew he would be back. He had to come back, right? He had signed a contract, sworn his loyalty, and even shared the same symbol under his glove as the Young Master had under his eyepatch. There was no way that something as minor as this could stop him, especially after all this time.
"My Lord?" the butler asked, throwing his train of thought off track. "Start over, Charles," he demanded. The man raised an eyebrow in confusion, staring at him. The boy caught his stare and returned it sharper.
"I said start over. I don't remember ever allowing you to speak so naturally and casually towards me. Take the cart back, as well. You're not allowed to address your master in such a way. How rude of you." He looked at his hand, obviously not impressed.
The man looked like he was on the verge of throwing his arms up and yelling "I give up!", but he nodded, bowing slightly before grasping the cart and turning to the exit, his long blonde hair whipping to the side.
"Don't bow like that. What a pitiful excuse for a butler you are," he sighed, followed by the wave of a ringed hand toward the door. "Hurry up and retry. You're not doing well at all. At this rate, you'll be fired before you even learn proper etiquette." "Yes, my Lord," he replied warily, grabbing the cart and turning to the door. The boy froze, his heart pounding suddenly.
"Kill him!" "Yes, my Lord."
"Stop," he commanded. The man complied, unaware of what he'd done wrong. "Yes, my Lo--?" "No. You are not permitted to say that line. You may say, "Yes, sir," or "Understood," but you are never to say "Yes, my Lord." You're not allowed to address me by "Young Master," and you are absolutely prohibited to say anything about being "one hell of a butler". Do you hear me?" snapped the boy, his eyes serene. "If you even start to mutter any of those lines, you'll be fired immediately. You know what happened to Finny and Maylene. I'll be less than hesitant to leave you on the streets. Do we have an understanding?"
The man tensed, bowing deeply then straightening himself. "Yes, sir," he said, too afraid to question him. With that, he quickly served the boy his tea, leaving as swiftly as he could and shutting the door. "I don't like this child very much," the boy heard him mutter.
"Good," replied the boy to nobody in particular.
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May 3, 2014 8:02:25 GMT -5
Post by DemonChiyo on May 3, 2014 8:02:25 GMT -5
whoever viewed it can you criticise please thanks
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May 3, 2014 9:49:27 GMT -5
Post by MeBeLizzi on May 3, 2014 9:49:27 GMT -5
I LIKE IT. You portrayed the kid so well. I do need some help though, getting the basics of the plot down in Black Butler. Because episode 1 confused the heck out of me.
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May 3, 2014 11:08:29 GMT -5
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Post by DemonChiyo on May 3, 2014 11:08:29 GMT -5
Okay I'll message you
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saku3
New Member
I never got much of this site. Still unable to use it correctly**
Posts: 22
Nickname: Saku?
Taylor Swift?: She has too many exes
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May 3, 2014 16:56:42 GMT -5
Post by saku3 on May 3, 2014 16:56:42 GMT -5
Read it, reviewed it. Nothing I would criticize.
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May 4, 2014 6:41:57 GMT -5
Post by DemonChiyo on May 4, 2014 6:41:57 GMT -5
changed it again since there wouldn't be a yuki in england
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